what I'll never say out loud.

Updated: Feb 29, 2020

I’ll never say out loud, that when you walk in the room, my mind gets blank.

I forget everything, and I mean everything, down to my last name.

And I pray that nothing I do at that moment would draw any kind of attention to me.

But I also kinda want you to look over any way, does that make sense?

But I’ll never say out loud, that when you do happen to look over at me.

Even for just a split second.

My heart drops to the bottom of my gut.

And my hands start to shake to the point that trying to control them won’t work.

And my immediate instinct is to look away, play on my phone, act like I don’t see you.

Anything else that would distract me from how I really feel.

Because I’ll never say out loud, that my feelings right now are all over.

I think you're cute and smart and stuff.

And those feelings in itself doesn't make sense to me, because I don’t know you.

I know only what I think I know and run with it.

I paint this picture in my head of how I think you’d be.

And how my life could be with you in it.

Y’know if I ever spoke up that is.

Yet I’ll never say out loud, that I can’t speak up.

I don’t want to be rejected if you don’t feel the same.

I don’t want to feel heartbroken if someone else is in the picture.

And even if I got over these things, I still wouldn’t speak, because what would I even say?

I rather just not know and crush in peace.

So, I sit back and let everything rock for what it is.

Not what I think it should be.

And I'll never say out loud, that I think I should be yours...

Well maybe not that drastic, but I really do want to get to know you.

That I genuinely am interested, even though my face may say otherwise.

That I only act distant, because you make me more nervous than anything else right now.

And i could never say that I wish you would just walk up to me.

And just put my fears to rest with a simple, 'hey'.

But I'll never say these things because I don't want you to think i'm weird.

Might just be overthinking, but I'm sure others can agree.

The last thing you need in life is for someone your crushing on to think you're weird.

Like that is the very last thing on earth you want (trust me!) .

So.

I'll never say any of this out loud, to you or any one.

Instead, I put it here.

Because you probably will never see this.

And if you do so happen to see this, you probably won’t even know I’m talking bout you.

I mean there are billions of guys on this planet, after all; what makes you special?

But, if you do see this, and you do think this is about you, you are special.

And you probably read all these signs from me.

And you probably feel the same too.

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